Male Insecurity Stifles Women’s Choices and Some Women Add to the Problem
The objection to abortion and birth control by many men (and some women) is not related to protecting the unborn. The stimulus that terrifies these individuals into archaic thinking is the sexual liberation of women, born out of feminist ideology and modern science.
Whether consciously or not, the idea that women can enjoy sex, separate from reproductive intent, means that women can seek pleasure in the way that men do, without worry about the life-changing consequences of pregnancy. Faced with this prospect, an insecure male will instinctively block his mate’s access to sexual opportunities, fearing she may seek them elsewhere — a motive as ancient as the most primitive mammals.
An old, crude joke illustrates the point.
A man asks his partner to give him oral sex for the first time. She obliges enthusiastically and skillfully, and he obviously enjoys it. When she has finished, she expects a gesture of gratitude, but instead - he slaps her.
In shock, she asks him why he hit her.
He replies, “That’s for knowing how.”
Rooted in the so-called the Madonna/Whore complex, this strategy is an attempt to put women in a bind. They must perform for their partner, without the benefit of prior experience. This is an elaborate set-up because he can control a “chaste” partner but leave his options open if she “fails” to meet his needs. In fairness, men are put in this position too, because, in our culture, they are expected to initiate sexual activity, and are loath to admit they lack the knowledge or skills. While this places an unfair burden on men and women, the effect on women is greater because of societal taboos, which tags them with pejorative labels if they defy social norms.
These insecure men tend to be relationally and emotionally under-developed as well. They lack the ability to express their fears and concerns. They cannot tolerate situations where their partners get attention from other men. Often the partner is complicit in that she will not express her desire for attention from others because she believes she is doing something wrong or fears the reaction of her partner. Like all blocked feelings, if she suppresses the need too long, it will out itself in some fashion.
Healthy couples, in contrast, realize that it’s natural to be attracted to others and that fantasies are not violations of a sacred trust. In fact, they can enhance a sexual relationship. Further, if they are discussed openly, then trust is solidified. It’s no coincidence that sexual repression of women occurs in many religious traditions because they sometimes equate the thought with the deed. They suggest that humans are “sinners” incapable of impulse control. (Unfortunately, this is true for some and it’s apparently enough of them to sustain these kinds of beliefs).
As a man, I can verify that we humans have the capacity to control sexual impulses since I have them often enough to get plenty of practice. To foster the idea that women can’t do this is to relegate them to an inferior status. Thus, the circle of repression is complete.
Even us healthy men (I like to think I’m one) have insecure moments but, if we can address this, we can enjoy better relationships and better sex. You will probably never be the best lover in the world, but you can be good enough. All it takes is improving your communication skills and honoring the fact that women have the right to enjoy sex, too.
Women can play a role as well, by refusing to be romanced. As Kate Millett said, “The concept of romantic love affords a means of emotional manipulation which the male is free to exploit, since love is the only circumstance in which the female is (ideologically) pardoned for sexual activity.”
If we are to achieve true equality and deep connection (and good enough sex) we must abandon outdated ideas about sex and relationships like ‘romance’ and ‘chastity’. (Thanks Masters and Johnson for your stupid, more recent ideas like “premature ejaculation” and “female frigidity”, also).
Let’s act like the adults in the bed who ask for what they want in good faith and respectfully accept the answer. Let’s accommodate each other when we can with a little give and take. We need to talk to each other as though our lives depend on it. Given the lack of civility in our society - perhaps they do.
