The War Between Men and Women is a War of Choice
“War is only a cowardly escape from the problems of peace.” — Thomas Mann
The perennial tension and conflict, sometimes called the war between the sexes, has existed so long, partly because men and women are natural enemies. Without sexual opportunity and reproductive potential, they would probably rarely get together. If you don’t believe that these relationships are unnatural beyond mating, then ask yourself, “Why do we need a social contract and religious and legal constraints to keep couples together?”
Marriage didn’t just magically appear; it was forced on humans to maintain a social system that benefitted someone. As with all wars, it is important to ask who benefits the most. Of course, the division of labor and the assignment of family roles brought some order when nuclear families became the norm.
Mostly though, marriage as an institution, (and sexism) persists for the economic benefit of those at the top. If you finance or build houses, or design clothes, or specialize in public bathroom installations, you get more money. If you keep men and women in the gender box, you divide and conquer. The broader effect of maintaining the status quo is that the war is contained behind closed doors in the household or bedroom, instead of a raging sexual civil war in the open.
The war is raging anyway. Our legal and religious institutions can no longer meet or reconcile the individual needs of men and women. New ideas and new technology are breaking the shackles of matrimony. The literal definition of matrimony is “becoming a mother,” but women no longer need marriage to accomplish that, and many are not interested in motherhood.
Some men no longer benefit from marriage because the cost is too high. Not the financial cost, but the emotional cost. In effect, many men are blamed for keeping their spouses in domestic incarceration — they have become little more than unhappy prison guards. These men's own failure of imagination may keep them there. Other men may have free-range, self-reliant partners but are confused about their roles.
Contemporary, ambiguous relationships demand communication skills and good faith that is often lacking. If men and women want to continue to have close relationships with one another, they must come to terms with the fact that it requires conscious effort, not just romance and chemistry and those forever vows with our fingers crossed. I’m not against marriage. I’m just saying it’s more dependent on internal effort than external controls compared to the past.
If men and women are indeed naturally so different, then it is unreasonable to expect we will always just automatically get along. Given the demands and opportunities of modern life, divorce rates are not high; they’re amazingly low! It is extremely hard work to stay the course!
It’s OK if we want it and OK if we decide it’s too much effort.
Frankly, I’m tired of hearing pathetic stories about how women and men “can’t find the right one.” There is no right one. If you want a viable relationship, then stop expecting your partner to make you happy and learn how to communicate and negotiate to get what you need. When starting a relationship, assess what you have in common, and, if it’s enough, you have a shot. Then, nurture and train your partner just like those puppies and kitties you are adopting in droves. By training a partner, I mean asking for what you want so they don’t have to mind read. It’s important to respect their answer as well. If you can’t do that, then you are better off with just yourself and/or pets and that’s OK.
It’s just as noble to be “single.”
Ultimately, to stop the sex war, we must tackle the pesky problems of peace. This can only happen at the individual and grassroots levels. Next time you meet someone of the “opposite” sex, try introducing yourself. The real you. Not the woman or the man — just you. It is risky on the front end but reduces long-term risk factors. It’s not easy, but it’s a good start on the path to peace.
