I Was Starting to Resent Third Wave Feminists
Then I looked in the mirror.
Damned third wavers. You know the type — they want it all. They use their beauty and feminine wiles to get the upper hand and they want laws and social norms to guarantee full equality. They want to shatter the ceiling and have a soft floor to land on. They want the advantages of being women without the disadvantages. How selfish and narcissistic can they be?
They even overshadow their sisters, who may not be naturally endowed with traits that turn heads, and that can turn male brains into mush with a mere glance. They are often shunned by men and women alike, and they deserve it!
Or do they?
I thought so, until recently. Then I started reflecting on my own experience — especially as a younger man. I used to joke that I could go around the world with a dollar in my pocket and the clothes on my back. It was pretty much true. I was attractive enough and clever enough that women would buy me drinks (I required quite a few back then) and often dinner. Sometimes we made it all the way to bed and sometimes not, but I almost always landed in the plus column when I tallied up the evening.
I got jobs because I was a male and a good bullshitter. I had the confidence of an achiever without the achievements. I had the mindset that it was always worth a try. When I got the jobs, I underperformed because I knew it would be easy to get another one (different economy then too). I suffered from the imposter syndrome. Same with my relationships. They were easy at-bats. Oh, I struck out now and then, but my batting average was good enough for the semi-pro team.
I took cuts in lines because I was more important than others. I didn’t have to use muscle because it was implied. Especially when I straightened my spine and pushed my shoulders back. If that didn’t work, I knew how to act like someone important and others usually caught on. I squirmed and grumbled until they retreated behind me one by one. I was an alpha who almost never had to growl.
I considered myself a good man because I never exploited anyone who I believed to be underprivileged, marginalized, or too vulnerable. I had a conscience which prevented me from going too far. While it’s comforting to think about my moral guardrails, there were times when I got the job and didn’t know who the other, perhaps more qualified, candidates were. Some may have been a better fit than me. Some women I used may have been more vulnerable than I realized.
At that point in my life, I didn’t consider systemic inequality except as an abstract concept. It benefitted me (and still does) personally, but it was up to society to address it. My lip service to the ideas was enough to ease my justice-anxious psyche.
A revelation happened when I hit 30. I was divorced and alone. Very alone. I had never really felt connected to anyone. After a series of one-night stands and brief relationships I decided I would be better off alone, and so would the women I was hooking up with and dating. At least they would be better off without me.
One especially lonely night I was lying on my bed and feeling like I would probably die alone. As I lay there on my back, I began to weep and suddenly my arms closed around me. After a couple of minutes, I realized that I was hugging myself and consoling myself. I knew after that night I could be alone if I had to be, and survive. From that day, all future relationships were mutual and as equally beneficial as possible. When you realize you don’t need a relationship to survive you suddenly possess the ability to negotiate a healthy one. In other words, power dynamics is only one facet of any relationship, not the reason for it.
I understood that I had to change my own behavior and encourage others in my circle to do the same. When seeking favor with another we should learn who they are first. When interviewing for jobs we should learn the qualifications of other who are applying. We should wait our turn in line.
We should support all who are trying to survive and thrive in this world. That includes supporting third wavers who deserve their chance to embrace power and to use whatever advantages they have. They should have the opportunity to experience power and learn from it as I have.
We must make room for everybody, or there will be no safe space for anybody.
We are sometimes afraid of others gaining power because we fear they might misuse it as we have. Even some women fear powerful women because they have seen that power abused. Maybe by opening the door wider we will all learn to use our power to better ends.
It’s worth a try.
